I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there are different ways that I cry. The panicky, sobbing one is when I’m really upset or scared about something. But the one I was doing this morning while you were talking was a stress relief. When I’m quiet and the tears just kind of flow of of me. That’s me just letting go of things. Because your talk this morning made me feel so much better about everything. I wish it had happened sooner. Yes there are a lot of things I still need to work through, but now knowing what you’ve told me about how you are and how you and Jake are I feel better about it all. And I do want to go out and do things with you and other people and stop sitting around being a butt. I’m falling right back into that old habit I get into when I’m thrown into a new situation. I honestly think you are gonna be the one who really gets me out of this loop that I get stuck in. Because you have more patience with me than anyone ever has. And more wisdom about things that I need to hear. Because I do hear the things that you say. And they are starting to sink in. And if I fall backward just remind me and it’ll help. I love you so much and I’m so glad you’re in my life.
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There’s only a couple of things I really need from you because I don’t want things to change between us. I love how we are with each other. But I need to know if there’s anything you’re keeping from me either to spare my feelings or whatever. It feels like you’re not completely honest with me about how you are with Jake. I see marks on you when you come home that aren’t from me. And I wonder.
Also, as I’m not familiar with the boundaries of open relationships, I need to know if when you go on your little excursions that you’re not planning on hooking up with anyone. And I don’t mean a relationship because you’ve already said that you won’t bring another person into this. I mean sex. Cause I still don’t really know you that well and I don’t know how these things work. And it would really hurt if I knew that you weren’t just with me and Jake. Cause it’s hard enough just dealing with that. That would be the one thing that would make me stop our relationship.
Also, when I’m upset, I really hate it when you say there’s no reason for me to cry. It makes me feel like my feelings aren’t important. Yes, I know they’re irrational sometimes. But even though these fears are “stupid” they are still very real to me. And telling me there’s no reason to cry makes me feel like I’m being ridiculous for feeling this way and my feelings aren’t valid because my head is kinda fucked up. I’m not used to being in a situation like this. So yes, for awhile I’m going to need reassurance about it. And I know it wears you thin sometimes but if you want us to be together in the way that we are then I need it. And as I get to know you and the way this whole thing works I won’t need it as much. But lately whenever I’ve felt like crying, I’ve tried not to because it seems like whenever I do you get all put out about it. And you just lay there and don’t really put much effort into trying to make me feel better about everything and it only verifies the stupid little voices in my head that tell me you don’t care. At those moments when I do break down I need to hear that you love me, that everything is going to be OK, that even though I’m driving myself crazy to be with you it’s worth it because you do really care.
I want us to be able to tell each other everything that’s going on in our lives and our heads. I want to get to know you better. I love you like crazy and I don’t want to push you away by being worried all the time. But in order for that to happen, I need these reassurances for now until I truly feel somewhat comfortable about things. Because I’ve never been in this situation before. And it makes me crazy. I just need to know that it’s worth it. And that you’re worth it. I’m starting to feel it but it’s been backsliding a bit because you’ve been so distant when I get upset and it seems like you’ve been closing yourself off to me because I haven’t been able to read you as well as I used to. And I hate that. I feel like it’s my doing. I love you so much but I just need these things from you. I promise it’ll make things easier in the long run.
I feel like no matter what I do, it’s never going to be enough for you. I’m making a huge compromise by even having a relationship with you while you’re with someone else. I’m sacrificing my happiness for yours in that situation. And it feels like I’m never going to get what I want so it makes me question why I’m even with you sometimes. Like do you not see how much I’m giving up to be with you? I’m not made for this kind of thing but I do it because I love you. I keep my head down and my mouth shut (with the exception of my snarky little comments which is my way of venting my frustration with everything). I wander along behind you picking up your messes because you can’t seem to respect the fact that I hate living in a messy cluttered home and it fucks with my OCD like you would not believe. And when I try to organize things to make both our lives easier so we don’t get all rawr when we can’t find something you get frustrated. But if you helped me sometimes then it wouldn’t be such a big thing. I understand you need space sometimes and I respect that but I’m afraid this is going to turn into me watching you go off with whoever to do God knows what and I’m left to sit here wondering. I know you’ve given up a lot lately to be with me. But I never asked you to. That was your choice. And I appreciate it but I don’t want you to make yourself crazy because of me. Even though that’s what I’m doing. And sure I’d love to hang out with people while you’re out but my supposed friends can’t seem to be bothered. And they blow me off when we make plans. And I’d like to trust you but by having this double relationship thing it makes it really hard for me. And it’s going to take awhile before I can trust you completely. And that’s not entirely your fault. If I trust someone too quickly I usually wind up getting screwed over. I just want to make sure that doesn’t happen here. So yes I’m wary and I question what you’re doing when you’re with someone else. Especially because you’re not into closed relationships. And I’m sorry I’m so mainstream and I am. And you may not mean to, but by your actions and the way you say things, it makes me feel like things are my fault all the time. And I feel like I have to tread lightly around you and watch what I say or do and I hate it. I hate having to apologize and explain myself to you. Yes I want to be with you a lot. Not all the time cause that makes us both crazy but I’d like it if you could compromise on that and not be running off all the time as soon as the weather gets nice again. Cause that’s what you made it sound like you’re going to do. I’m giving you so much and sacrificing so much to be with you. And I feel really unappreciated for it.
You’re home to me.