Before I came back up here I told myself I wasn’t going to fuck things up again. I wasn’t going to let depression kick my ass. I was going to make new friends and hang out with them and be a happier person. But that hasn’t been the case and I’ve fucked things up again and I feel like everyone is tired of me including you. And I’m in pain. I’m in pain because things are falling apart and I don’t know how to fix it. I wish i could just start over. I wish Florida never happened because it caused me so much grief and I’m not over all the terrible things I went through there. Spending 2 years of my life wanting to die every day is a hard thing to move forward from. And I latched onto you because I didn’t want to feel that loneliness again and being with you makes me feel safe. But I know I can’t put everything on you that I can’t make you the only person I ever go to. That’s why I’m working on making new friends so I have others to lean on and you don’t have to bear the entire weight of my needs. And I’m so sorry for all the stress and anger and frustration I’ve caused you. If I could take it all back I would but we can only move forward. I can’t help that I’m hurting right now. I’m lonely and scared and my mind is full of all the bad things I’ve been through and I’m just afraid they’re going to happen to me again and again and I’ll never find any peace. And that’s not your fault and I don’t mean to put it all on you. I just desperately need a friend right now and you’re the only one I trust enough. I’m working on building new relationships but it takes time. I just hate to ask you for help because I know I’ve stretched you thin and I don’t feel good about that. I may not say it enough but I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me and I’m so glad I have you in my life because I don’t know if I could’ve survived this long without you.
Some photos of my forest trip with zombie-for-hire
All photos by Heather Fettig please do not remove credit.
Episode 13: Unafraid of the Dark, Cosmos: A SpaceTime Odyssey