You know, I don’t like this any more than you do. I fucking hate it. I hate being like this, I hate feeling like shit all the time and I hate putting you through it but I can’t do anything about it. I have to fucking wait to see a dr. I called again today and I have to wait. I don’t want to deal with this shit anymore. I want to get better but I can’t do anything right now and I feel completely helpless. And I don’t have anyone other than you to rely on..and I know that’s hard for you but it isn’t my fault. I’m trying. I reached out to 5 people today and got nothing. No one cares. I’ve tried several times to start a friendship with nate but he either ignores me or blows me off. And I don’t know why. This is what I deal with. People who say they’re my friends but aren’t there when I need them (even though I was there for a couple of them when they were going through shit) and when I try to hang out with people they blow me off. So you’re all I’ve got..and I’m sorry it’s hard but I need you right now. And hopefully when I finally get to see a dr I can get therapy and medication and start to get better and I won’t be so reliant on you. But for now I can’t help it. And the fact that you’re gonna be gone doing shit with your dad all week and potentially won’t be here on the weekend either is really getting to me cause clearly no one can be bothered to hang out with me so I’m gonna be alone again. And I’m not dealing with the whole being alone thing very well right now. I’m not okay..it’s getting worse and worse and I can’t do anything about it. I have to wait and I feel helpless and lost and scared that I’m gonna lose everything if I don’t get help soon. And I’m so lonely cause all I’ve got is you and you’re getting tired of me and I don’t blame you cause I’m tired..I’m so tired of being sick. I’m tired of everything that goes along with it.
I don’t know why I write these things. I can’t make you understand anyway. I just wish I could be enough for you like you are for me. I wish you didn’t have to go elsewhere to get affection. I wish you wouldn’t flirt with people in front of me. I wish you could respect my feelings. I bend over backwards to give you what you want and all I want in return is your undivided attention. And I can’t get it. And I have to deal with the image of you wrapped around kai or whoever and lie beside someone who’s thinking about someone else and it’s killing me. And ever since that night I’m always afraid you’re keeping stuff from me, I’m afraid to trust you cause I know it’ll happen again. And you want me to be okay with it but you lied to me and kept it from me and how am I supposed to be okay with this if you can’t be honest? I love you to death and you’re all I want or need. I don’t need anything but friendship from other people. And I just wish I could get the same from you and I know I never will. And it tears me apart. I don’t want to lose what we have, I don’t want to be another person on your list of failed relationships who you talk to on occasion and rarely ever see but I feel like it’s going to happen and it hurts like hell. And I don’t know what to do anymore but I don’t want to feel like this. I just wish I was enough for you but I’m not and that really sucks.
It’s just… a bad dream! Wake up, wake up….
Went camping with zombie-for-hire this weekend.